P.I.E.#3 - Why Do I Like Werewolves So Damn Much? An Adventure into My Own Psyche.

     For as long as I can remember, I have always been into the "paranormal" and "supernatural." Not in an actually-believing-in-them sort of way, but have just always enjoyed stories, shows, movies, etc. with such elements and characters. When I was little, I loved mermaids. I wanted to be a mermaid; to be able to breathe underwater, to live in another world that is nearly the last terrestrial frontier, to leave the world of humans behind, if only perhaps temporarily. I grew up in a beach town, and whenever I went to the beach as a kid, I would always spend as much time as possible just swimming and floating around the ocean. Also I've always hated sand because it gets everywhere you don't want it to be, but that's an irrelevant aside.
     When I outgrew the mermaid thing, I started being really into a far more objectively terrifying human hybrid creature thing: werewolves. I can't pinpoint where it started, but it was definitely near early middle school, so around age 11-12. My best guess as to when, (and why it started at all), would be whenever I first read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. If you read/have read Harry Potter, you can probably guess why. If you don't, shame on you. The third installment of the series introduces the character Remus Lupin, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for that year--because it's always someone different each year--that you find out was very close friends with Harry's father and, later, mother. And that he's a werewolf. In case you hadn't guessed that based on what this blog post is about.
     I don't know what drew me so into Professor Lupin, but even before his semi-bestial nature is revealed, (at quite nearly the end of the book), I fell in love with his character. He was the first Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and in my opinion the only one in the whole series, who was a competent instructor and/or not a total twat. He genuinely cared for his students, and Harry especially, for obvious reasons, Harry being the son of one of his former best friends and all. He was one of the first adult characters, outside of maybe Dumbledore and Hagrid, who seemed like a genuinely good person, who only wanted what was best for his students, and seemed to put them before himself.
     Of course, by the end of the book, you find out that he is a werewolf. Hints are dropped throughout the book, such as his boggart turning into a full moon during class when he jumps to protect Harry from it, and his periodic absences from his own classes, but it still took me by surprise. It's not explicitly stated that it's the moon, and his absences are basically just "I wonder what that's about" side thoughts from the characters. And also I was like 12, so you know...I wasn't exactly the most perceptive human being on the planet at the time. Of course, my already-present interest in supernatural themes made me go "Ooooh, that's cool!" except of course it wasn't for him. He lost control of his own mind and body when he transformed if he didn't drink a special, very difficult to brew potion, which Snape had been providing him previously. But shenanigans happen, as they do, and he doesn't drink the potion on the last full moon of the book, transforming at a pivotal moment, which ends up allowing the bad guy to escape. Fuck you, Wormtail, you piece of shit.
     Anywho, after all this happens, Snape "slips" out that Remus is a werewolf, and he immediately starts packing the next morning, while looking like hell rained over him because, let's be real, it basically did. When Harry protests, he tells him that he has to go, because letters will be pouring in any time now from angry parents decrying that they don't want "someone like [him]" teaching their children. In the movie version, and through the dialogue in the book, Remus seems only mildly phased by this occurrence, while Harry is extremely distraught, because Harry--though whiny and annoying at many times--is a good kid; one who sees the previous night's events as an accident, and who hasn't changed how he feels about his father's old friend based on what happened. While reading, I was very much on Harry's side. "No, no, no, no!" I thought, "He's amazing! He's just different! He can't control it!" But he still left, and did not reappear in The Goblet of Fire, much to little-me's chagrin. I loved his character even though he was a werewolf.
     This ended up, however, not being an isolated incident. A year or two later, I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and my favorite character? Seth Green's Oz, who becomes a werewolf not long after his introduction. At this point, I didn't think much of it. I was just a kid, and I really loved supernatural themes and characters in the first place anyway and it just so happened that the two prime examples ended up being werewolves. But I actually started thinking more about it when I became an adult, because I started watching both the UK and US versions of Being Human, a show about a vampire, a ghost, and a werewolf trying to live as normal of lives as possible, despite their afflictions. Guess who my favorite character on both of those shows is. Yeah, the werewolf guy...George and Josh, respectively. And it wasn't the fact that they were werewolves alone, it was their characters in general. Had they acted the exact same but been some other kind of creature, they would probably still be my favorite characters. Also worth noting: Bruce Banner has always been my favorite comic book character, and though yeah, the Hulk isn't a werewolf, it's basically the same thing, only worse...because instead of just transforming on full moons or around them, it happens any time his emotions get seriously out of whack at all, especially with anger. My love of him, by the way, has only been magnified--and intensely so, at that--with the creation of the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies, and the three of them Bruce is in. And in case anyone is wondering, I like Mark Ruffalo in the role more than Edward Norton, but Edward Norton still did well so I really don't feel like having a debate about it, kthnx.
    See, here's the thing, though, (especially with Banner): I have so much emotional attachment to these characters, and not the normal kind that everyone has for their favorite character. I mean like, feeling distraught when they feel distraught. Worrying about what will happen to them, wanting to hug them when something goes wrong. After Scarlet Witch fucks with Bruce and he goes all Hulky apeshit in Wakanda and kills a bunch of people in Age of Ultron? Unnnnnnghhhhh my heart broke seeing him sit there, feebly bundling himself in a blanket, as if to hide from what he'd done, even though you know he knows he can't. Like, my chest physically hurt, because I was so emotionally distressed at the emotional distress of a man who doesn't even really exist. And it's that italicized part that got me thinking real hard, not for the first time, why it is that I am so in love with these characters, and whether or not the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing had anything to do with it, and if it did, what does that say about me?
     There was no point in this self-inquiry, other than sheer curiosity, but I did come to a conclusion: I love werewolves and the Incredible Hulk so much because I identify very strongly with them, when it comes down to it, so much so that it actually can have an effect on my own emotions to an Nth degree.
     Now, I am not Bruce Banner. I am not an absolutely brilliant, genius nuclear physicist, bio-mechanist, and basically every other kind of scientist, at all, ever, because holy shit, dude is amazing at everything in that field, (except, ironically given the nature of this post, psychology, given his explanation in the post-credits scene of Iron Man 3). Nor am I Daniel Osborne, Remus Lupin, George Sands, or Josh Leviston...all but one of whom are also said to be extremely intelligent as a point of interest, likely to contrast them so strongly with their "other guys." I'm not brilliant at anything, my intelligence might be above average, but isn't astronomical, and I don't turn into some kind of monster at various times. And I don't have anger issues. So why do I identify with them so strongly? Because my brain parallels their physical transformations and the associated loss of control with mental illness, specifically major depressive disorder and anxiety, since those are my chemically imbalanced homeboys.
     Depression is a bitch, as anyone who has it, (and there are more than you think), can tell you. It's not just being sad sometimes, or even being sad all of the time...it is so much stronger and so much worse than that. The way your brain naturally operates is seemingly self-sabotaging, to the point that your head is perpetually a cracked china vase, and though it's holding for now, there will be a day--or many days--when it will fall apart. Whether it falls apart slowly, all at once, explosively, or just lets gravity do its thing is different for everyone, because human brains are complicated as all hell and don't work all exactly the same way. And what it takes to fix it up again is equally varied, as is whether it will fall down again after you try to balance it all again the first time. The point is, you are always on the verge of breaking, whatever form your breakage may take.
     Though I wasn't actually diagnosed until I was 24, because I had never had the courage to tell anyone about it, I'm pretty sure I've been depressed since the time I was around 12. I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. I have never liked the person in the mirror, and have always felt she wouldn't amount to much, if anything at all. Anything good that happened to her, she didn't deserve. She was worthless; a fat, ugly piece of dog shit, but only I could see it. To the surprise of probably no one, this resulted in me being kind of a loner basically my entire life. I had a close little group of friends in high school and maintain a fair one now, but being alone has never bothered me. In fact, I've pretty much always felt like I was somehow meant to be alone.
     Alright, Drama Queen, when does this become relevant to werewolves? Right now, actually.
     The way they are typically depicted, werewolves are normal people who, at select times, completely lose control of themselves, turning into a (usually) giant monster. Though a person with depression doesn't do that, obviously, there are times that you do lose control of yourself, and frequently, it's an occurrence that is out of your hands. You don't really lose control in a physical way, but inside your own head. You're a prisoner in your own brain, screaming to stop whatever it is you're doing, (for me, my depression-triggered break downs are usually a combination of extreme sadness and anger at myself). But you can't, and you don't. You let it run its course, because you don't know what else to do. Werewolves cannot stop once they start transforming. They can't be like, "Oh, jeez, this being a wolf thing is awful dangerous and weird, I better cut that right out." Nor can a depressed person simply chose to end a depressive episode. No, it's not as physically dangerous, obviously, but that doesn't mean it isn't completely safe, either...for you, or for others. At least, that's how you perceive it.
     When I have a serious depressive episode, I purposely shut myself in my room, away from my husband and away from my two dogs. I'm not afraid of physically harming them. I am afraid of what it would do to my husband for him to see me like that; of what I know it does do to him, because we've been in this together for a long time now. I feel like an unfair burden on him; like a problem that drags him down and complicates his life. I have convinced myself in the past that his life would be so much better without me around; he wouldn't like it, and he would protest, but it would ultimately be better for him, and his life is more important to me than mine by a factor of approximately a bajillion. Sometimes I let this fear get to me too much, and it dictates my actions.
     A common cliche of the werewolf character is that they realize that they are too dangerous to be around those they love, or often around people at all. So they leave, like Bruce leaves at the end of Age of Ultron. Despite still being in his mostly uncontrolled, bestial state, even then he feels he cannot be trusted around other people--around his friends, and around the girl who loves him--so he doesn't turn the jet around, (granted, I don't think the Hulk could have managed that anyway, but that's besides the point). Depression is surprisingly a lot like that. You want what is best for people, especially the people you love. If you have convinced yourself that that means a life without you in it, then so be it. Even if you don't fully believe that, (or you do, but you stay anyway), whenever somethings happens, you feel massive pangs of guilt, because you know they wouldn't have to worry any of it if you simply weren't there, or if you had a way to make it all go away without making yourself go away. You want to help others, not burden them, and not hurt them, physically or mentally. The fictional characters usually reflect this more obviously than real people do: Banner goes to/hides in Calcutta and tries to do what he can to help the people there, which appears to mostly be administering medical aid, (told you this dude is good at everything); not to mention that his gamma radiation experiments were intended to help the world in the long run, (or so he believed. Fuck you, Colonel Ross and Tim Roth). Remus decides to become a teacher, and in the more dire situations in the later books in the series, decides to fight on the side of good, even if it means his life, (spoiler: it totally does). Basically, it comes down to this: You know how shitty your problem is--be it lycanthropy or depression or whatever--and the last thing you want is for it to bring anyone else down, or for anyone else to suffer from it. Isn't fear of biting and thereby transforming someone else typically a huge thing in werewolf stories? Depressed people don't want to see you suffering from being around and dealing with their depression, and to see someone else become depressed feels like a complete failing, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever. Someone else has to suffer through it, not just you. You don't want that. You don't wish it upon anyone.
     In the stories, werewolves can try to cure themselves, but rarely succeed. In real life, there are thankfully therapy and doctors to help you with mental illness. But even if you are someone who, like me, has a handle on their mental illnesses and who has a person or people who love and respect you despite it, (Clinton is totes my Tony. Science Bros 4 Life), you still know what that complete loss of control feels like; what the guilt and the fear feel like, in some cases all too well. Maybe this isn't true for everyone, but I think it may well have a lot to do with why I am so attached to these characters, even though I know it's dumb, and that they're not real. Their emotion is so able to feel like my emotion because, to a certain degree, it is.    

An open letter to whomever from someone who happens to be bisexual

Today, history was made in the United States when the US Supreme Court declared bans on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. In all 50 states, gay and lesbian couple can live their lives the way the rest of us do, (which they were pretty much doing in the first place, minus the whole can't-get-married-thing). June is apparently Pride Month, and that makes the victory all the sweeter.

No, I am not gay. As you can tell from the description of this blog, I am married to a man. I am, however, bisexual. And though most people don't really care about other people's sexuality--and rightly so, because it doesn't define who we are--sometimes those of us with "alternate" attractions get some flack, and as the world becomes more and more just fine with gay people and transgendered people, bi men and women still face a lot of stigma from both sides of the spectrum. This is not to say life is not difficult for other members of the LGBTQ letters, everyone is going to catch some shit at some point because someone will think your sexual preferences are A.) a matter of debate, and B.) somehow their business, (which is most certainly is not). But I don't know what it's like to be a gay man, or to be a transgender man/woman, so I cannot speak for their experiences. But I have always been a bisexual woman, so I am writing this to talk about and dispel any preconceived notions you may have about the B in LGBT.

Bi folks occupy a weird space, in that it is said we can "pass" for either of the two predominant sexualities. So where gay and lesbian couples get attacked from just the straight side of the spectrum, we get both. Some gay people and straight people alike think that we are seeking attention, or are just confused, or (worst of all, in my opinion), think we're just saying that because we're horny crazy people who want to have sex with ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD EVER.

Here is my response to that: No.

Just no.

Nope. No way. N-O, NO.

Are there some people out there who call themselves bisexual who do fall into one of my aforementioned stereotypes? Probably, because all stereotypes come from somewhere. I was in high school in a time where being "bi" was actually almost akin to a fashion statement for some people, which made trying to come out to friends real fun, because I typically wasn't believed. But the vast majority of us? Hell no, man.

I am married to a man. He is the only person I have had sex with and ever intend to have sex with. So no, I'm not saying I'm attracted to both men and women because I want to have sex with everyone because I have a sex drive the size of Betelgeuse. I'm not that kind of person; I'm actually pretty prude. Not chastity belt kind of prude or anything, but sex-isn't-just-for-fun-and-pleasure-it's-about-sharing-a-piece-of-your-soul-with-your-partner-and-it's-actually-kind-of-a-big-deal-for-me-and-I-don't-take-it-lightly kind of prude.

But while we're on the topic of sex and bisexual people, let's flip this around to another fun assumption I have experienced, usually from the same people who think I'm just a horn-ball. They see I'm in a committed relationship with a man, and insist if I don't just want to have sex with everyone ever, then I'm really just straight. Because obviously, right? When I say no, I get, "Well, have you ever actually been with a girl?" No, I have not. "Well, then how can you know you're bi if you've never ever been with another woman?"

Okay, so let me get this straight: Originally, I was a horny crazy person who wanted an excuse to have all of the sex. When that was shot down, now my sexual identity is invalid because I haven't had sex? You can't have it both ways, people. You can't say bi people just want lots of sex but then when you find out that's not the case, say their identity is no longer valid for those of us who have only had relationships and sexual experiences with one gender. This is basically what you're saying in 20-something, generation Y terms, "Since you don't want to fuck all the time, you can't be bi because you haven't fucked a girl." Do you see the issue with your logic? Bi = excuse for lots of sex (thereby, not valid), but also Bi = have had sex with both sexes, so when you haven't, it's not valid.

So let me ask you this: Did you have no idea you were straight until you slept with the opposite sex? Or gay until you slept with the same sex? I'm going to go with "no" because that's not how humans work. Every 13-year-old has a crush on someone. Clearly, they haven't had sex, (or at least we really, really, really hope they haven't), so does that mean they're asexual until such a time as they do? When I was 13, I had two crushes: Benji Madden from Good Charlotte, (yes, I know, super lame, but I was convinced I would marry him. Tweens are idiots), and my childhood best friend. The latter was when I realized I might be bi, because I didn't just love her as a friend, I was also physically attracted to her. That was my first clue in my sexuality journey.

You don't need an actual physical, sexual relationship, or really any relationship of any kind, to know you are attracted to someone. I'm very attracted to Mike Rowe. Emma Stone's voice makes me melt, (I dig the slightly raspy thing in the ladies). I obviously don't actually know them, so I have definitely not had sex with them, but I know I am physically attracted to them.

But bisexuality doesn't even exist, you say. You're just confused. You're either gay or straight, figure it out.
You know what I've figured out? That you're an asshole. But also, I know who I am. I'm 25 goddamn years old, I think I've got a handle on who I am by now, and you claiming I don't doesn't do anything except anger me. Sexuality, like the vast majority of things in a human life, is NOT black and white. Even gender isn't black and white. Not just speaking of transgendered folks, but also of actual, physical sex organs. There isn't just male and female, you know. Some people are born with some form of both sets of genitalia. Are they rare? Yes. But they exist; there is not just "penis" and "vagina." So when something as core to our beings as the body parts we are born with isn't just one way or the other, how can you justify simplifying something that is far, far more complicated into just two categories? That goes for sexuality and gender identity. It's a spectrum. You can't fit it into neat little boxes, then notice those of us who are not in a box and haphazardly throw us into one because it's just easier that way. It doesn't work like that. Next to nothing in life works like that. Get over it. Move on.

Bisexual people do exist, and whether it fits into your view of the world is irrelevant. We're there. You probably know someone who's bi and have no idea, because you know what? It really doesn't matter. What your sexual identity is makes little to no difference as to who you are as a person. I don't tell anyone I'm bisexual unless they directly ask me, "Are you straight?" or something of that nature, because it doesn't matter to me, and it shouldn't matter to them. I'm not "That married bi girl," I'm me. I'm was a teacher. I'm someone who likes video games. I'm someone who likes to paint and do other artsy-fartsy stuff. I love history and wish historians didn't suck at writing. I love to make people laugh and relax a bit. I can make you a damn good latte. I think Data is the best Star Trek character. What does being bi, gay, or straight have to do with stuff like that? Nobody wants their sexuality to be the immediate descriptor that comes to mind when someone asks what they're like, and it shouldn't be. People are people, their sexual identities are there, they exist, and they are a part of everyone, but not a part you should care about.

So the next time you think something negative about bisexuals, just stop before you open your mouth. If you are really dead-set on believing what you believe, that's fine. Just don't be a dick about it. Don't claim you know someone else's life and feelings better than they do, because you don't. And you never will. So let it go.

We don't want to steal your boyfriend/girlfriend. We aren't trying to have sex with everyone. We're not trying to "pass" as straight or "pass" as gay, or alternate between the two. Like everyone else in the world, we just want to be accepted for who are.

Now go kiss your S.O. if you have one, or hug your best friend or a family member if you don't, because love prevails, and today is proof of that.



BONUS ROUND: In defense of bisexual men.
I am not a man, but there is one thing I hear a lot: If you're a dude and you have sex with another dude, you're gay. End of story.
So if you, Mr. Know-it-all Straight Man, have anal sex with your girlfriend, does that make you (or her, for that matter) a gay man? It's a butt, guys. Butts are universal. We all have one. They aren't any different if you're a man or a woman. Some people just like, for lack of a better term, butt stuff. Some girls like it, some guys like it, what does it matter? If you stick your dick in another man's anus, that doesn't mean you are instantly never allowed to like vaginal sex or be attracted to women ever again. There's not some magical switch that goes off in your head that says, "Okay, I've had sex with another man now. I will never be attracted to women again because there's apparently some cosmic rule about that." (And let me guess, you probably think two girls having sex is "hot," don't you? You double-standard-having, misogynist asshat).
Just like me having sex with my husband doesn't make me automatically straight--because I'm not--and a girl having sex with another girl does not automatically make her a lesbian, a man having sex with another man does not automatically make him gay. Girls aren't the only people who can be bisexual; that is a serious double-standard. Accepting a bi woman but not accepting a bi man makes absolutely no sense. Again, this kind of thing doesn't fit in your neat little organized boxes.    

Florida is weird.

I hear news stories about Florida a lot, these days. You got your bath salts face-biting and your FloridaMan twitter account, (which is admittedly hilarious); you got botched elections and former governors who use too much spray tan. We have a lot of weirdos, to be sure, but these stories got me thinking about my feelings toward my home state in a more general sense. You see, many people in the States have a strong affinity and feeling of pride for their birth state, but I find myself lacking such a feeling, at least in any particular strength.

That's because Florida is weird.

Now, I don't mean weird in the sense of those stories I mentioned earlier. Let's be truly honest: those could have happened anywhere. I mean that being from Florida is a weird thing to describe, because the state is so vastly different anywhere you go. Take my home county for instance: Collier. Collier County, Florida was actually featured in Ace Ventura as the home of Ray Finkle, and it was shown as a desolate swampy area with no people for miles and miles. This is true enough, but my home town is also in Collier County, and this is what Naples looks like:

Not exactly swampy.

Even in just one county, depending on where you are, you have vastly different cities, people, and lifestyles. It's true: most of Collier County is swamp, but when you get to the coast, you have lovely beaches and tons and tons of old, retired, rich, white people. The same is true of my current home, Alachua County and the city of Gainesville. The 'ville is home to UF, so within a few miles of the university campus, (which is three square miles itself), you have all the bars, hangouts, chain restaurants, apartment complexes, etc. But go not five minutes past I-75, and you soon find yourself in the middle of fucking nowhere. Farms. Cows grazing. Small, gentle hills. Two-lane roads with speed limits 55+ mph. It's an entirely different world, and you just left Gainesville a mile ago. 

Since Florida is so weird, living here instills a lot of weird behaviors in us. Here's a list of things about Floridians that are weird:

1.) Hurricanes aren't even worth worrying about unless they're Category 4. Maybe Category 3 for some people. But Cat 2s, Cat 1s, and Tropical Storms? We fly kites and go the beach in that shit. It's fun. 

2.) Because of the above, we love laughing when hurricanes bypass us and make their way further north on the Atlantic coast. Watching news reports of Yanks FREAKING OUT about a Cat 2 storm is hilarious. 

3.) We have no sympathy for people who don't carry umbrellas in their cars or leave their car windows rolled down. 

4.) Spring Break is more of an eye-roll for us. A lot of us are from typical Spring Break destinations and honestly, it's more annoying to us than anything. My best Spring Break was going to North Carolina and getting to see snow. That's how desensitized to beaches and shit I am; I'd rather go where it's snowing, because at least it'd be a change. 

5.) True Floridians may very well be a minority in many cities. Naples, in particular, is home to almost entirely, (or so it feels), older folks who have moved there for their retirement, or other people who moved down from the North. While working at Barnes & Noble, a woman tried to make small-talk with me while I was preparing her latte. She asked where I was from. When I said, "I'm from here; from Naples," she was FASCINATED and astounded and proceeded to probe me about it. Though what I could have possibly elaborated about, I haven't the faintest idea. Luckily I was 17 and looking stupid and clueless is a thing all teens are good at. 

6.) Bugs aren't terribly worrisome to us. They're everywhere here, and some of them are pretty huge. 

7.) Many of us will bust out straight-up winter coats that are damn near parkas for 60 degree weather. Because normally it's 96 degrees out, and we get tired of that part of our wardrobe gathering dust, (though I am admittedly not part of this phenomenon, I do understand it).

8.) We will wear flip-flops for almost any occasion. Mostly because our seasons go like this:

SuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmerBitChillySoMaybeWeCanCallThisNOPE!MORE SUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

9.) Never tell us it's humid where you're from. Go outside in central Florida in August at 2 o'clock in the afternoon and then come talk to us. 

10.) I didn't even know what a humidifier was and what the hell you would ever need one for until I was practically an adult. 

11.) It is rarely cool enough to turn the AC off. And when it is, there are no heaters being turned on; it's not that cold. Our tiny winter may as well be called Save-Money-Off-Electric-Bill season.

12.) We have an entire theme park dedicated to alligators. No, seriously, we do. It's called Gatorland, and as Gabriel Iglesias has pointed out, their automated phone message is hilarious, (although they've changed it since whenever he called them; it's not nearly that funny, but it's still pretty entertaining). 

13.) Though we are technically part of the South, and even the Deep South, I know very few Floridians who consider themselves "southern". I do, but not because I'm from Florida; because my father's family is from North Carolina, which as the name implies, is much further north than my home. 

So we have these weird quirks, which are amusing, I suppose, but it's weird. I don't really feel pride in being from Florida. Maybe because it's just such an odd amalgam of people, it's hardly to feel centrally united by much of anything. 

I will surely think of more weird things about Florida and Floridians to post later. 

P.I.E. #2: Why Clara Oswald is the worst (modern) Doctor Who companion.

Welcome to the second installment of Pointlessly In-Depth Examinations, which Clinton suggested I abbreviate to "PIE" because he is far more clever than I.

You should have guessed it would only be a matter of time before I tackled something Doctor Who-related in this fashion. It was between this and everything that was wrong with the 50th Anniversary special, but I honestly still enjoyed The Day of the Doctor, numerous problems aside. I do not, however, enjoy Clara in any way, shape, or form. I'm actually listening to my playlist of MLP songs while I write to make sure I stay relatively calm.

BE WARNED. HERE THERE BE SPOILERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

So after Amy & Rory depart from the series, in a supposed-to-be-sad-but-is-still-only-marginally-so mid-season finale, we are introduced to Clara Oswald in Victorian-era London.

Well, that's not entirely true. We meet her in Asylum of the Daleks, which takes place in the far future, where she's a crew member of the Starship Alaska that "survived" crashing onto the Dalek Asylum planet. And then she dies. And then also dies in Victorian London while helping the Doctor do his Doctor-y thing.

Even though the Doctor never saw her face in Asylum, we as the audience know that it's the same chick, which the Doctor figures out by the end of The Snowmen. So to Steven Moffat's credit, Clara actually starts out with some serious potential; she's shown up twice, in completely different eras of time, and died both times. What's up with that? 

So The Doctor goes on a hunt for her, determined to figure out what "the impossible girl"'s deal is. He finds her again in present-day London, because of course he does, because every modern, long-term companion is from modern London, modern being anywhere from 2005-2013, depending on when the episode aired. And then they go on grand adventures together, because obviously you should go off to see the universe with the dude who you don't even know who camped out outside of your house for an entire day until you finally decide to talk to him. Definitely a reasonable decision. 

But here's the problem with Clara: she's a boring as balls character. She fits perfectly into the character archetype of "manic pixie dream girl", which is basically an adorable, quirky girl character who has no real depth other than being quirky and adorable. They exist to be quirky and adorable, and they don't need any personality beyond that. They are written for straight men by straight men, and straight men, (accepting one friend of mine who is female and extremely easy to please, entertainment-wise), are the only people I've spoken to who actually like and try to defend Clara. They exist to have someone men wish their wives and girlfriends could be like, in a way that's more "realistic" than supermodel and/or movie star. And those men are typically not supermodels themselves; they are the more "nerdy" crowd, who probably intuitively know they'll never land a supermodel, so an adorable and quirky girl seems more reasonable. For info on what makes MPDGs so boring and terrible, I invite you to read this article, written by a much more talented and eloquent writer than I: I Was a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, by Laurie Penny, 

In fact, when I see people defend Clara, the defense I see the most is, "But she's hot!". Okay, yes, Jenna Coleman is a very good-looking young lady, but damnit, that just shows your hideous sexism without any type of guise; you're basically admitting you like her because you might like to possibly have sex with her. This does not make her an engaging or interesting character, and for those of us who actually like to care about the "people" we watch on TV, being hot isn't enough. You have to be believable. You have to have flaws. Clara is not believable, and she has no flaws. 

No, really, she doesn't. Think about it: when in the course of the series so far has Clara ever been wrong? Made a mistake? Been bad at something? Okay, she sucks at making souffles. But beyond that, give me one single, concrete example of Clara being definitively wrong or bad at what she was doing. I suspect you are having difficulty. 

In addition to being a manic pixie dream girl, Clara is also a Mary-Sue. To those who don't know, a Mary-Sue is a character who has little to no flaws. They are perfect at everything, (In fanfiction, it also usually involves self-insertion, but not always: Definition of Mary Sue, via Wikipedia). Don't believe me? Let's look at it episode by episode:

In Asylum, she hacks the entire prison-planet with ease, despite being a prisoner herself. And also a Dalek. 

In The Snowmen, her bartender boss adores her and doesn't want her to leave. Her boss as a governess adores her, (in more way than one), and thinks she is far better at the whole parenting thing than he is. The kids she's a nanny for adore her as if she were their own mother. She's the one who pulls the Doctor out of his shlump after Amy and Rory's departure, (because in his 1100-ish years of life, in everything he's seen and all the friends and family he's had to say goodbye to, the "loss" of those two people was definitely all it took for him to become a grumpy, mopey, unattached hermit). Her death is ultimately what solves the whole episode's plot, because it makes it rain, which melts the death-snow. Even in death, she fixes everything. 

In The Bells of Saint John, she suddenly becomes amazing with computers, (though the Doctor does claim this is from her being "uploaded"), and manages to come up with a plan to find where they need to go that not even the Doctor could have come up with, despite his centuries of experience with computers, many far more advanced than a 21st century laptop. 

In The Rings of Akhaten, she's the one who convinces Mary that she does need to sing her song, and more importantly, it's her sacrifice of "the most important leaf in the world" that keeps "Grandfather" as bay, not the Doctor offering up his centuries of life, loss, and experiences. 

In Cold War, Clara is decided to be the only one who can actually talk to the Ice Warrior, Grand Marshal Skaldak. At the end, when Skaldak is about to blow the whole planet to bits, the Doctor helps, but it's primarily Clara asking him why he showed mercy once but not now, (and also reminding him of his daughter), that convinces him. 

In Hide, despite the fact that both the Doctor and the TARDIS insist that going into a pocket universe would kill the TARDIS's engines, Clara annoys the sentient machine enough that she is allowed entry and manages to fly into the pocket universe the Doctor is trapped in to save him. And everyone is fine. They even do it again, just to show how wrong the Doctor apparently was. Because why the fuck not? (And another thing: if the TARDIS can just fly itself where ever it wants to go whenever the Doctor's friends annoy and bother it enough, why didn't it just fly Rose back to him in The Parting of the Ways? She went through a shit ton more effort than Clara's simple chastising, and still had to break the damn console open to accomplish her goal).

In Journey to the Center of the TARDIS, Clara's concept of "big happy button" is ultimately what fixes everything, including her burning herself on said happy button, so that the Doctor in the future sees the message burnt onto her palm. Yeah, I know it's nonsense. I swear it used to be entertaining nonsense. Also, she finds the TARDIS library, where there just so happens to be a book on the history of the Time War laying out on a pedestal, and she just so happens to open right to the page with the Doctor's real name on it, something only the Doctor and River Song know. Because of course she does. 

In The Crimson Horror, it's Clara pointing out the the chimney doesn't produce any smoke that leads the crew to discover the full extent of Mrs. Gillyflower's plans. She's also the one who smashes Gillyflower's machine with a chair, after the Doctor offers his for-once-insufficient sonic screwdriver. 

In Nightmare in Silver, she is suddenly an awesome commander and planner, though we have never seen any previous evidence of this. She commands a group of troops and deals with the Doctor and his temporary split-personality, and actually basically runs the whole show while the Doctor is busy playing chess with himself. 

In The Name of the Doctor, she jumps into his timeline to save his life and keep the Great Intelligence from succeeding in his glorious grudge-match, thereby pissing anyone who is also a fan of the old series off by suggesting that it was Clara who first told the Doctor and Susan which TARDIS to take. Because of course she did. 

And most irritatingly of all, she ruins what could have been an amazing message in the 50th Anniversary special because she doesn't like what's happening.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a screencap of her boo-hoo face, but suffice it to say, when the War, 10th, and 11th Doctors have all three of their hands over the Gonna-Blow-Everything-Up button--basically the Doctor confirming to himself thrice over that he did not, in fact, have a choice in the Time War, and did, in fact, have to do it--Clara starts crying. Bad Wolfy Rosey person then decides this is definitely the best time to show them all an image of the people on Gallifrey, and Clara indignantly declares, "These are the people you're going to kill?"

Me, as an audience member, wanted to scream, "Yes! They are! Because if he doesn't, the Time Lords and Dalek may very well destroy the whole universe! To protect the whole of the universe and all of its future and all of its past, he has to sacrifice his own people. It's a strong, important message, damnit! Shut up and stop ruining it!"

But no. She ruins it. Because she basically says, "I don't like this, I'm gonna cry about it now. You need to fix it like you always fix it," and 11 is so damned whipped by her bullshit, that he immediately churns out some nonsense, convoluted plan to save the planet with the help of War, Ten, and every other one of his regenerations, (which is so not even a little bit well-enough explained), thereby erasing the emotional trauma that has built the Doctor's character up to where it currently is. So thanks to Clara, the whole back story of the entire rebooted series is now gone. Gallifrey and the Time Lords weren't destroyed, J/K LOL. Nevermind all the time the Doctor spent grappling with his guilt and the effect it had on his life and his decisions and his development as a character; that is all nullified by Gallifrey's survival, (more on this; excellent read). And Gallifrey fell no more because Clara cried. What...the fuck. 

The last time someone was this important to the Doctor's survival--because seriously, he'd be dead like at least seven times if not for Clara's always-being-right thing--it was a big fucking deal. Donna Noble was the most important woman in the universe, because she's the one who told the Doctor to stop. Had she not, he'd have died and the UK would have fallen to shit. Her one decision had an immense weight, and she almost couldn't grapple with this fact when it was revealed to her. But Clara does basically the same thing like eight fucking times like it's no big thing. And apparently it really isn't a big deal, because not even the Doctor ever says anything about it. 

She solves everything. Clara always fixes everything. She's perfect. And you know what? Perfect characters suck. It's Superman-syndrome; if you are practically perfect in every way, you are boring to watch because there is no drama. There is nothing at stake, because no matter what happens, you're going to fix it. You're always going to make the right decision and the right decision is almost never going to have any serious consequences. It makes things that are supposed to be dramatic seem stupid, because what's the point? If you're just going to have your MPDG magically fix everything with her whimsical ways, tell me honestly: what is the point? 

And this is why I wouldn't care if 11 died and the first thing 12 did was stab Clara in the face. Because since she has no personality, no depth, no flaws, I just straight-up don't care about her, one way or the other. Whether she leaves by violent death or just by waving goodbye and walking away, I won't care. I'll just mumble a quick "good riddance" and just wait for the show to either pick back up, or find more new and exciting ways to disappoint me. 

On Things People Really Need to Calm Down About...

I have been awake for far too many hours, and after the hell of a Black Friday I just had as an employee in a mall, I should really probably sleep. But instead I shall regale you, you whole two or three friends of mine who bother to read this, with anecdotes about things people need to really calm down about.

Now, this is not to say that I am some all-knowing messiah of a woman who has the whole life thing nailed down exactly to county building codes. I'm really kind of an idiot. I just like to talk, and I feel like I sometimes have mildly amusing things to talk about. That's...basically the whole point of this blog after all. And I know that there are more important things I could be worrying about than things people do or say that annoy me, and that I find to be a waste of energy. But people sometimes need to vent. So humor me, and let me vent. 

The Doctor vs. Doctor Who

If you are not a fan of Doctor Who, or at the very least not a fairly active fan, you may have never heard this, and you are all the better for it. But in a nutshell, little idiot Whovians on the internet tend to get their knickers in a huge knot when people refer to the main character of Doctor Who as Doctor Who. "His name isn't Doctor Who, it's just The Doctor!!!" they cry, (re: type), out, likely adding a misspelling or two in their haste and definitely including way too many exclamation points. For those people, I present the following:

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Nine.

That, my friends, is the closing credits from episodes starring the First, Second, Third, Fourth, and Ninth Doctors. Notice anything? If you answered, "They got his name wrong," you're on the right track, but still kind of a moron. If you answered, "They all say Doctor Who," you are correct. And you get extra bonus points for self-awareness if you followed that with, "Wow. That kind of invalidates my utterly pointless-in-the-first-place argument. I feel a bit silly now." Now, I don't have Five through Eight on here because I couldn't find screen caps of those credits, but believe me when I tell you, they also all say either Dr. Who or Doctor Who, (because I've also seen people get in a tizzy about the abbreviation). Which means from 1963 to 2005, (for emphasis: that's 42 goddamn years), the character was credited as Doctor Who, not The Doctor. It wasn't until David Tennant took the reigns in 2006 that that happened. The people who created this show we all love so much thought of him as Doctor Who. So Doctor Who is just as correct as The Doctor. 

So chill out. Breathe. If you really want to get upset about something Doctor Who related, make it something at least somewhat more meaningful, like gaping plot holes and frustrating unanswered questions. 

Black Friday

Okay, so maybe this is because I just spent over 24 hrs in and around the mall where I work, and it is Black Friday, but seriously. Saving a lot of money is not worth all the horrible crap that happens every year. Tramplings, occasional deaths...which is normal, every-day news until you think, Holy crap, they were just shopping. This isn't war or gang violence, this is just really crazy people, apparently desperate to get an HDTV for only $300. 

But the other half of the Black Friday crowd could use to calm down, too. You know, the ones who go on local news and complain about how Thanksgiving soon won't even exist because Black Friday keeps getting earlier. I've heard that same story for the past five years, (at least), and you know what? Black Friday is still getting earlier. So obviously ranting to your friends and possibly to a local newscaster isn't actually accomplishing anything. You know what will? Not showing up. If you're that upset about how early Black Friday is, don't go Black Friday shopping. You know why it keeps getting earlier? Because people keep showing up and spending money, and you know what companies and businesses like more than absolutely anything else because it's kind of the whole reason they exist? Money. So don't give them yours at 8pm on Thanksgiving Day, and you, and maybe eventually no one else, will get trampled to death. 

Console Wars

You guys. Seriously. It's video games. They're all equally time-wasting and money-draining. Get the hell over yourselves. I'm seriously getting to the point when somebody asks me if I'm an Xbox or a PlayStation, and I politely answer neither but go on to explain that I do own an Xbox 360, and then they get all huffy and in my face that, "PlayStation is better" (even though I explicitly first said I was neither), I have to try so hard not to punch them square in the jaw. Not because I disagree, but because I don't fucking care. They both get pretty much the same games. A few exclusives here or there, but really nothing of any serious merit, let's be honest. So why do you people waste so much energy getting in fights about this crap? Buy whatever you want to buy. Let other people buy whatever they want to buy, and for the love of Celestia, shut the hell up. 

Being Extremely Defensive/Offensive About the Things You Love and/or Hate

We all have passions. We all have things that we love and feel our lives would be empty without. I have a long list of equally pointless things, but they make me happy. Star Trek, Star Wars, Doctor Who, My Little Pony, Mass Effect, Zelda, my dog...I love all these things. But you know what? Not everyone loves these things. And that is entirely okay. I grow so very tired of people, especially nerds, who absolutely cannot accept when someone doesn't like something they like, or doesn't share their exact opinion. Here are some sample interchanges that you may have heard, or even said:

Person A: "I don't think Ocarina of Time is the best Zelda game."

Link, (no, really, his name is Link. He changed it because he loves Zelda that much): "WHHHHHATTTT???? Ocarina of Time is TOTALLY the best, it set so many standards and had so many great moments and completely revolutionized adventure games for the rest of time, etc. etc. etc."

Person A: "I gave Doctor Who a go. But I don't think I really like it."

Person Undoubtedly Wearing Some Piece of Doctor Who-Related Clothing, Possibly Carrying a Sonic Screwdriver in Their Pocket: "WHHHHATTT??? But it's SOOOOO good!!! How can you not love the Doctor and his quirky awesomeness and BOWTIES, MAN! BOWTIES ARE COOL." 

Person A: "I'm not really a fan of football."

Person B, insecure in their masculinity: "WHATTT? What do you MEAN you don't like football, bro? Are you some kind of pussy? Yeah, just a little pussy bitch, that's what you are!" 

You know what Person B should have said in all of those situations? "Huh. Well, that's cool, I respect your opinion. Everyone has their own tastes, after all." 

But you know how many people I've come across who actually react that way? I can count them on one hand. I have people I adore who are guilty of it, (I'm looking at you, Browncoats). I've been guilty of this in the past, but I've learned that it's a pointless waste of energy. And the same goes for when someone says the like something that you don't. Stop trolling. Don't be a dick just to be a dick. Because more than likely, the person you're being a dick to is going to enter SUPER DEFENSIVE NERD RAGE MODE and start trying to defend their passion to their dying breath. And maybe that's what you want, because you're a trolling asshole who belongs in the deepest pits of hell, and you get a kick out of watching geeks foam at the mouth and possibly cry. 

Here's a list of things that are kind of a big deal that I don't personally like:

The Hunger Games

Twilight

How I Met Your Mother

The Office

Lord of the Rings

Firefly/Serenity

Scrubs

House, MD

Chick Flicks, of any shape or size.

But you know what? I really don't care if you do like them. In fact, I'd love to have a civilized discourse with you about what you enjoy about them, while I can contribute what I dislike, and we can thereby analyze the beast as a whole together and probably have rather an enjoyable conversation. 

So take a deep breath and take it in stride when someone insults something you like. Or learn to say you dislike something in a polite manner. Remember, just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's stupid, and just because someone doesn't like something you do like, that doesn't make them stupid. 

The NSA Spying Stuff

Okay, so this one is entirely a personal opinion, and you are more than welcome to disagree and call me an apathetic fool; I probably am. But do you honestly think the government wasn't watching its citizens? Do you honestly think other major nations don't do the exact same damn thing, they just probably haven't been caught yet? The United Kingdom is pretty Big Brother-esque, yet we still romanticize it, (or their accents, at the very least). Every country has its nitty gritty bad side. And on a scale from wire tapping to government-sanctioned genocide, I don't think we're actually all that terrible. 

Reddit

Reddit is just as full of idiotic twat-bags as the YouTube comments section, they're just slightly more eloquent which actually makes them more dangerous; it makes them seem like they're actually intelligent when really, they're not. So stop acting like it's the shining example of what the internet should be. If the internet was all like Reddit, I'd disconnect my router. 

Presidential Elections and Just Stuff the President Does, (Or People Think He Does)

"Thanks, OBAMA," said every person who couldn't be bothered to do some actual reading and research on a subject that troubled them, (and also Jenna Marbles).

A little while ago, I found this gem on my Facebook feed:

Now, admittedly this is from a person that posts those stupid pictures of money in hopes money actually does come their way and those, "I love my kids!" text-picture things, and very little else, so normally I keep scrolling and pay no mind. But this caught me. This made me stop. 

I don't pay attention the news. Why? Because I don't really give that much of a shit. I just...I don't. I know I should, but I don't. I'm the same way with drinking water. Know I should, still don't. But I will bet my entire bank account and life savings that the phrase, "Well, you know, I think those Al Qaeda guys are just really misunderstood. I'd like to help them out with their future plans." never came out of President Obama's mouth. Or anything even remotely similar. Which leaves me with two options: either A.) I am horrendously misinformed and, because it took a random Facebook post for me to even hear about this, the rest of the country is even more apathetic than me, or B.) This is sensationalist bullshit meant only to stir up people's emotions for no other reason than to push a foolish and misinformed agenda. I'm really leaning toward the latter. Also, that makes that picture racist as shit, and I have etymological issues with the word "racist" but I'm still gonna use it here because fucking really? I was unaware the entire Middle East = terrorists, which is vibe this picture gives off. The creator should be ashamed of themselves. 

Here's my thing: I may not follow the news or read very much, but because I don't, when I'm asked my opinion on a hot topic, I will give it, but with the qualifier that I haven't been following this story. And I am completely open to being shown reputable sources who give me a clearer explanation of the issue at hand, and thereby possibly changing my very baseline opinion. But when you just tell me Obamacare will ruin the entire medical system, I'll ask you why. And if you don't have a rock solid reason why, along the lines of, "Well, I read somewhere that..." No. Stop. Where did you read it? What sources can you site? No, I don't care that you're not writing a research paper, you still need solid, trustworthy sources. Here's a hint: Major news networks, especially Fox News and MSNBC? Not trustworthy. They're like that picture: biased and sensationalist. Don't listen to them. Read things yourself, and formulate your own opinions. Read the actual text of a law before you tell me it's the most terrible thing ever. Don't wanna do that? Takes too much time? Way too boring? I am so right there with you, but you know what? That makes our opinions not entirely valid. Because we don't know all the facts. Please, by all means, still have an opinion, but recognize when something is trying to stir you up and endeavor to find out whether or not that shit is actually true instead of just spitting it back up like vomit when next it comes up in conversation. 

And on the subject of presidential elections, which was admittedly a misleading title: The President doesn't actually do that much, you know. You know what elections have way more bearing on you as a person and your life and your family's lives? Local elections. Who your mayor is. Who your city council members are. Who your school board is. But do people show up for these elections? Not terribly often. Do people go into a manic frenzy over these elections? No, but they sure as shit lose their damn minds over presidential elections, despite the fact that any law is created in and goes through Congress, not pulled out of the President's ass just to piss you--yes, personally you, you one, single person in a country of hundreds of millions--off. Not that I think any election is worth the insanity that occurs every four years in November, but if any were, it should be local elections. Maybe state elections, because since laws all go through Congress, you really should care about who your representatives in Congress are. They have the power to do a lot more to piss you off than the President does. 

And you're not always going to like the President, anyway. You'll love one, hate the next. It's the way it goes in the bipartisan system. And you know what? It's supposed to work like that. If the people you like were in power all the time, the country would stagnate. Nothing would change. It'd be the same old shit. So accept that you won't always like the people in power and move on with your daily life. It misses you. 

Again, I don't know everything. I don't purport to. I actually know very little, but I do think I've found a decent balance of where my energies should be placed in life, and this stuff? Not it. At least not for me. Is it different for you? Probably. But you know what? That is a-okay with me, and I respect each and every one of your opinions. 

I don't even...

We're sitting in Five Guys, waiting on our food to be ready, when Clinton suddenly blurts out:

"You know what I'd love to see? Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye explaining science...while drunk."


....My husband, ladies and gents.

On deciding to watch movies you've put off for a reason...

I convinced myself I wouldn't. Certainly not; I'd known it was coming before I even started watching The Next Generation, even before I knew who the characters really were. I'd known it was coming, so I could prepare myself and just be all, "Oop. There it was. It happened. Let's move on now."

But no.
Never have I been so wrong.

And only one other time, (maybe two if you count Marley & Me), have I cried harder because of a movie or television show.

God. Dammit.




(Side note: How the hell is Janeway, of all people, an admiral by this point but Picard isn't? What kind of horseshit is this? He better have been put up for promotion but turned it down. Because if she got a promotion but Jean-Luc Picard didn't...there's something seriously wrong in the universe.)