Today, history was made in the United States when the US Supreme Court declared bans on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. In all 50 states, gay and lesbian couple can live their lives the way the rest of us do, (which they were pretty much doing in the first place, minus the whole can't-get-married-thing). June is apparently Pride Month, and that makes the victory all the sweeter.
No, I am not gay. As you can tell from the description of this blog, I am married to a man. I am, however, bisexual. And though most people don't really care about other people's sexuality--and rightly so, because it doesn't define who we are--sometimes those of us with "alternate" attractions get some flack, and as the world becomes more and more just fine with gay people and transgendered people, bi men and women still face a lot of stigma from both sides of the spectrum. This is not to say life is not difficult for other members of the LGBTQ letters, everyone is going to catch some shit at some point because someone will think your sexual preferences are A.) a matter of debate, and B.) somehow their business, (which is most certainly is not). But I don't know what it's like to be a gay man, or to be a transgender man/woman, so I cannot speak for their experiences. But I have always been a bisexual woman, so I am writing this to talk about and dispel any preconceived notions you may have about the B in LGBT.
Bi folks occupy a weird space, in that it is said we can "pass" for either of the two predominant sexualities. So where gay and lesbian couples get attacked from just the straight side of the spectrum, we get both. Some gay people and straight people alike think that we are seeking attention, or are just confused, or (worst of all, in my opinion), think we're just saying that because we're horny crazy people who want to have sex with ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD EVER.
Here is my response to that: No.
Just no.
Nope. No way. N-O, NO.
Are there some people out there who call themselves bisexual who do fall into one of my aforementioned stereotypes? Probably, because all stereotypes come from somewhere. I was in high school in a time where being "bi" was actually almost akin to a fashion statement for some people, which made trying to come out to friends real fun, because I typically wasn't believed. But the vast majority of us? Hell no, man.
I am married to a man. He is the only person I have had sex with and ever intend to have sex with. So no, I'm not saying I'm attracted to both men and women because I want to have sex with everyone because I have a sex drive the size of Betelgeuse. I'm not that kind of person; I'm actually pretty prude. Not chastity belt kind of prude or anything, but sex-isn't-just-for-fun-and-pleasure-it's-about-sharing-a-piece-of-your-soul-with-your-partner-and-it's-actually-kind-of-a-big-deal-for-me-and-I-don't-take-it-lightly kind of prude.
But while we're on the topic of sex and bisexual people, let's flip this around to another fun assumption I have experienced, usually from the same people who think I'm just a horn-ball. They see I'm in a committed relationship with a man, and insist if I don't just want to have sex with everyone ever, then I'm really just straight. Because obviously, right? When I say no, I get, "Well, have you ever actually been with a girl?" No, I have not. "Well, then how can you know you're bi if you've never ever been with another woman?"
Okay, so let me get this straight: Originally, I was a horny crazy person who wanted an excuse to have all of the sex. When that was shot down, now my sexual identity is invalid because I haven't had sex? You can't have it both ways, people. You can't say bi people just want lots of sex but then when you find out that's not the case, say their identity is no longer valid for those of us who have only had relationships and sexual experiences with one gender. This is basically what you're saying in 20-something, generation Y terms, "Since you don't want to fuck all the time, you can't be bi because you haven't fucked a girl." Do you see the issue with your logic? Bi = excuse for lots of sex (thereby, not valid), but also Bi = have had sex with both sexes, so when you haven't, it's not valid.
So let me ask you this: Did you have no idea you were straight until you slept with the opposite sex? Or gay until you slept with the same sex? I'm going to go with "no" because that's not how humans work. Every 13-year-old has a crush on someone. Clearly, they haven't had sex, (or at least we really, really, really hope they haven't), so does that mean they're asexual until such a time as they do? When I was 13, I had two crushes: Benji Madden from Good Charlotte, (yes, I know, super lame, but I was convinced I would marry him. Tweens are idiots), and my childhood best friend. The latter was when I realized I might be bi, because I didn't just love her as a friend, I was also physically attracted to her. That was my first clue in my sexuality journey.
You don't need an actual physical, sexual relationship, or really any relationship of any kind, to know you are attracted to someone. I'm very attracted to Mike Rowe. Emma Stone's voice makes me melt, (I dig the slightly raspy thing in the ladies). I obviously don't actually know them, so I have definitely not had sex with them, but I know I am physically attracted to them.
But bisexuality doesn't even exist, you say. You're just confused. You're either gay or straight, figure it out.
You know what I've figured out? That you're an asshole. But also, I know who I am. I'm 25 goddamn years old, I think I've got a handle on who I am by now, and you claiming I don't doesn't do anything except anger me. Sexuality, like the vast majority of things in a human life, is NOT black and white. Even gender isn't black and white. Not just speaking of transgendered folks, but also of actual, physical sex organs. There isn't just male and female, you know. Some people are born with some form of both sets of genitalia. Are they rare? Yes. But they exist; there is not just "penis" and "vagina." So when something as core to our beings as the body parts we are born with isn't just one way or the other, how can you justify simplifying something that is far, far more complicated into just two categories? That goes for sexuality and gender identity. It's a spectrum. You can't fit it into neat little boxes, then notice those of us who are not in a box and haphazardly throw us into one because it's just easier that way. It doesn't work like that. Next to nothing in life works like that. Get over it. Move on.
Bisexual people do exist, and whether it fits into your view of the world is irrelevant. We're there. You probably know someone who's bi and have no idea, because you know what? It really doesn't matter. What your sexual identity is makes little to no difference as to who you are as a person. I don't tell anyone I'm bisexual unless they directly ask me, "Are you straight?" or something of that nature, because it doesn't matter to me, and it shouldn't matter to them. I'm not "That married bi girl," I'm me. I'm was a teacher. I'm someone who likes video games. I'm someone who likes to paint and do other artsy-fartsy stuff. I love history and wish historians didn't suck at writing. I love to make people laugh and relax a bit. I can make you a damn good latte. I think Data is the best Star Trek character. What does being bi, gay, or straight have to do with stuff like that? Nobody wants their sexuality to be the immediate descriptor that comes to mind when someone asks what they're like, and it shouldn't be. People are people, their sexual identities are there, they exist, and they are a part of everyone, but not a part you should care about.
So the next time you think something negative about bisexuals, just stop before you open your mouth. If you are really dead-set on believing what you believe, that's fine. Just don't be a dick about it. Don't claim you know someone else's life and feelings better than they do, because you don't. And you never will. So let it go.
We don't want to steal your boyfriend/girlfriend. We aren't trying to have sex with everyone. We're not trying to "pass" as straight or "pass" as gay, or alternate between the two. Like everyone else in the world, we just want to be accepted for who are.
Now go kiss your S.O. if you have one, or hug your best friend or a family member if you don't, because love prevails, and today is proof of that.
BONUS ROUND: In defense of bisexual men.
I am not a man, but there is one thing I hear a lot: If you're a dude and you have sex with another dude, you're gay. End of story.
So if you, Mr. Know-it-all Straight Man, have anal sex with your girlfriend, does that make you (or her, for that matter) a gay man? It's a butt, guys. Butts are universal. We all have one. They aren't any different if you're a man or a woman. Some people just like, for lack of a better term, butt stuff. Some girls like it, some guys like it, what does it matter? If you stick your dick in another man's anus, that doesn't mean you are instantly never allowed to like vaginal sex or be attracted to women ever again. There's not some magical switch that goes off in your head that says, "Okay, I've had sex with another man now. I will never be attracted to women again because there's apparently some cosmic rule about that." (And let me guess, you probably think two girls having sex is "hot," don't you? You double-standard-having, misogynist asshat).
Just like me having sex with my husband doesn't make me automatically straight--because I'm not--and a girl having sex with another girl does not automatically make her a lesbian, a man having sex with another man does not automatically make him gay. Girls aren't the only people who can be bisexual; that is a serious double-standard. Accepting a bi woman but not accepting a bi man makes absolutely no sense. Again, this kind of thing doesn't fit in your neat little organized boxes.
